IF YOU ARE IN CRISIS CALL 911
HELPLINE AND HOTLINE NUMBERS share the qr code for cell phone
SAFELINK - 1-877-785-2020
MA Statewide toll-free Domestic Violence Hotline
Operated by Casa Myrna
24 Hour Crisis Helplines
MBPH Behavioral Health 24-Hr Helpline, call or text:
Clinical assessment and service navigation support
1-833-773-2445
Samaritans 24-Hr Helpline, call or text: 988
Suicide and Crisis support line for Massachusetts
CSO, Gardner Behavioral Health Crisis Line: 978-488-8888
CSO, Athol Behavioral Health Crisis Line: 978-249-3141
The numbers below or related specifically to crisis:
*Crisis text line: 741741
*National Suicide Prevention Landline:
988 (DIAL ONLY THESE 3 NUMBERS)
Samaritans 24-Hr Helpline, call 988
Suicide and Crisis support line for Massachusetts
General resources:
*Parental Stress Hotline 1-800-632-8188
Community Resources: https://www.communityhelp.net/
FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO CAUSE HARM Helpline
877-898-3411
Teen Survivors
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, available 24-Hrs:
OR Text LOVEIS to 22522
866-331-9474
COMMUNITY LINE CONCERNS - CALL 978-699-0203
Welcome to Gardner Domestic Violence Task Force - COMMUNITY
SURVIVOR RESOURCE GUIDE
Developed by the Gardner Domestic Violence Taskforce
2024 (rev)
Hello & Welcome!
This e-booklet has been put together by the Gardner Domestic Violence Taskforce as a guide for anyone experiencing an abusive or unhealthy relationship with an intimate partner. This guide may also be helpful for people who are unsure if what they are experiencing is abusive or unhealthy. Relationships are complicated and it is normal to need help assessing if what you are going through is a rough patch or a pattern of behaviors likely to get worse. We understand it is scary to think about your loved one potentially engaging in abusive behaviors. It is scary to talk about, especially for the first time. We encourage you to talk to someone you trust about your situation – a friend, family member, therapist, faith leader, etc. – but we also recognize sometimes it is easier to start with learning information about abuse and the available supports and resources. Wherever you are in your personal journey, we hope this e-booklet may serve you. Below is a table of contents to navigate directly to specific topics of interest. Be well and remember you are not alone. This is helpful to anyone who wants to help.
DEFINITION
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (DV) is an umbrella term that encompasses abusive relations between intimate partners, family members, and even roommates. This e-booklet focuses on domestic violence in intimate relationships (intimate partner violence), though some of the resources and information may still be helpful to those experiencing abuse from family or a roommate.
ABUSE
ABUSE is any sexual, emotional, economic, or physical actions or threats of actions that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, and/or wound someone.
INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE
INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE (IPV) is a pattern of abusive behaviors used to gain and then maintain power & control over a current or former partner. An abuser’s power is maintained through manipulation and a cyclical pattern of abuse that compels the victim/survivor to comply. IPV can be perpetrated consciously or unconsciously, but it is always intentional, and the abuser is always solely responsible for their behavior.
MANIPULATION
MANIPULATION is type of social influence that aims to change the behavior or perceptions of another person(s) through deceptive, or unethical tactics. Social influence is not inherently negative (think persuasion) but has the potential to be abusive when the influencer does not respect the right of the influenced to accept or reject the influence. Manipulation is often an abusers’ first control tactic; if attempts at manipulation are rejected, then they will escalate to other tactics to assert their desired level of control. A prevalent and particularly damaging form of manipulation is gaslighting.
GASLIGHTING
GASLIGHTING – presenting false information in such a way it makes the targeted person doubt their own memories, perceptions, and sanity. Gaslighting interrupts a person’s ability to trust themselves and set boundaries making them more vulnerable to further abuse.
Examples of Gaslighting Techniques:
COUNTERING – making the victim question their own recollections with statements like...
– “Huh?? That’s not how it happened!”
– “There you go making things up again.”
WITHHOLDING – pretending they don’t understand what the victim is saying no matter how clearly communicated or simply refusing to listen...
– “You’re not making any sense.”
– “I don’t want to hear this again.”
BLOCKING – victim's thoughts are questioned, or the abuser diverts the subject...
– “You are imagining things.”
– “Did your mother put you up to this??”
REPETITIVE QUESTIONING– making the victim doubt what they think, know, or feel...
– “Are you sure?”
– “Do you really think so?”
TRIVIALIZING – making the victim believe their needs and feelings are not important...
– “It was just a joke. Get over it.”
– “You are too sensitive!”
– “You are going to get all upset over something so small?”
DENYING – pretending to forget about past events or statements or directly denying they took place...
– “I never said I would do that.”
– “I don’t know what you’re talking about, there wasn’t a party.”
REVEALING HIDDEN THOUGHTS OF OTHERS– “revealing” what other people are “really” thinking about the victim...
– “You made a fool of yourself at dinner. Everyone was rolling their eyes at your pathetic jokes.”
– “Everyone can see through you. They can’t stand you.”
HUMAN TRAFFICKING
Although domestic violence and human trafficking are different forms of victimizations, there are similarities and intersections between these types of violence. Women comprise the majority of victims of both domestic violence and human trafficking. According to worldwide data from the United Nations, between 2007 and 2010, approximately 55% to 60% of the total number of detected victims of human trafficking were women. Both batterers and traffickers use power and control to dominate their victims, and the range of tactics used by traffickers resembles that of domestic violence perpetrators. Common tactics used by traffickers include isolation, physical and emotional violence, sexual abuse and exploitation, financial abuse, threats to family members, use of children to manipulate and control their victims, withholding of food, sleep, and medical care, among others. However, we know that domestic violence and human trafficking are not the same thing. Trafficking involves multiple actors and not a single abuser as in the case of domestic violence. Trafficking is an exploitation of female poverty and, generally, traffickers do not have an intimate relationship with the victim. Also, levels of endangerment and legal remedies available are very different for trafficked women
The National Human Trafficking Resource Center is a national, toll-free hotline, available to answer calls and texts from anywhere in the country, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every day of the year. They can be reached at 1-888-373-7888 or by texting “BEFREE” (233-733).
EXAMPLE OF ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS
ABUSERS
An ABUSER is a person who has recurring problems with abusing, disrespecting, insulting, or devaluing their intimate partner. Abuse is a tool of control in relationships.
CYCLE OF ABUSE
TRAUMA
Going through the cycle of abuse causes TRAUMA, which can be defined as:
1. emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term impacts.
2. a real or perceived threat to life, liberty, or bodily integrity.
3. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.
TRAUMA BONDING
TRAUMA BONDING is the development of an intense emotional attachment between two people, with one person intermittently harassing, beating, abusing threatening, or intimidating the other.
• The existence of a power imbalance where one person is dominated by the other.
• The intermittent nature of the abuse.
Traumatic bonding is different from healthy bonding and attachment. Check out this graphic from blogger, Dominee @BlessingManifesting to see how the two differ:
How to Tell if it is Getting Worse - How to Tell if He is Ch
How to Tell if it is Getting Worse
When abuse gets worse, it is called ESCALATION. Escalation happens when the abuse transitions from one form to another (manipulation -> threats -> physical/sexual violence) or when abusive behaviors/tools intensify and increase in severity or frequency over time. It can occur gradually or suddenly.
Any form of escalation may be dangerous, so it is important to always trust your gut about your safety. However, research has identified certain behaviors that are more closely correlated with deadly outcomes for people abused by intimate partners. Those factors are listed below.
USE OR THREAT TO USE A GUN is always a dangerous and alarming behavior. The ease of use and impersonal nature of firearms makes them a particularly lethal weapon. Threats to use a gun, even veiled or ambiguous threats, should always be taken seriously.
STRANGULATION, sometimes referred to as “choking”, is when an external force (hands or a ligature) applies pressure to a person’s neck or throat impeding normal breath or blood flow. Strangulation may cause unconsciousness within seconds and death within minutes. It is an ultimate form of power and control where the abuser has literal control over the victim’s next breath. A victim who has experienced at least 1 strangulation assault is 7-10 times more likely to experience a deadly attack from the abuser in the future. The initial strangulation itself is also very dangerous and can easily cause serious injuries. We encourage anyone who has experienced strangulation to seek medical attention as soon as possible, but especially if you have any of the following symptoms and signs:
Symptoms (self-reported) include raspy and/or hoarse voice; coughing; unable to speak; complete loss of voice; trouble with or painful swallowing; neck pain; nausea; drooling; difficulty breathing/unable to breathe; hyperventilation; restlessness; combativeness; problems concentrating; amnesia; agitation; hallucinations; complete loss of vision; black & white vision; seeing stars; blurry vision; dark vision or fuzziness; complete loss of hearing; gurgling, ringing, bussing, popping, pressure or tunnel-like hearing; memory loss; unconsciousness; dizziness; headache; involuntary urination or defecation; loss of strength; going limp
Signs (observable) include pinpoint red spots (called petechiae) on the scalp, face, in the eyes, on the eyelids, and inside or outside the ears; bumps; skull fracture; concussion; stretch marks; bloodshot eyes; bleeding from ears; bloody nose; broken nose; tongue/lip swelling; bruising, abrasions, swelling, cuts, and red marks on the body
VIOLENT AND/OR CONSTANT JEALOUSY is a signal the abuser feels entitled to their partner’s time, body, and life. Jealous feelings are normal, and many people feel them, but jealous behaviors are a red flag. When those jealous behaviors are violent and/or constant, it could be an indicator of lethal escalation.
SEXUAL ASSAULT that takes place within an intimate relationship sometimes is not recognized as such. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean consent no longer matters. Sex acts without consent are sexual assaults. Such behavior is rooted in the display of power, specifically the power to violate sexual boundaries without consequence. Experiencing sexual assault by an intimate partner is scary and confusing, and it can be easy to brush off as “bad sex”. But it is not just bad sex, it is a very damaging tool of abuse, and it can be a major red flag of worsening violence.
PRESENCE OF A GUN IN THE HOME can be a lethality indicator depending on why there is a gun present in the home. Some people live in communities where gun ownership is commonplace, some people hunt, some people collect old historical guns, etc. A gun in your home becomes more dangerous when gun ownership in your community is uncommon and if the gun serves no purpose beyond as a weapon. Follow your gut on whether the gun in your home poses a danger to you.
INCREASE IN SEVERITY OF VIOLENCE is a troubling occurrence especially if it happens post-separation. Increases in the severity of physical violence can cause serious injury even if it doesn’t escalate to a deadly attack. Always trust your instincts about your safety.
CONTROLS DAILY ACTIVITIES, like violent and/or constant jealousy, shows that the abuser feels a high level of entitlement to their partner’s time, body, and life. Controlling daily activities includes things such as what you do, where you go, who you see, who you talk to, etc. If manipulation is not sufficient to gain control, a form of monitoring or surveillance is often used to force compliance (for example: checking mileage after going out, checking receipts, tracking through phone, etc.)
SUBSTANCE ADDICTION AND/OR SEVERE ALCOHOLISM is associated with abusers who escalate to lethal acts of violence, but that doesn’t mean every abuser with a substance use disorder will escalate to deadly assault. As always, it’s best to use your instincts to determine if your partner’s substance use disorder makes them more dangerous to you.
SUICIDE THREATS: Abusers who are prepared to end their own lives may have less inhibitions about attempting to end yours. A “nothing to lose” mentality can be dangerous. As always, it is helpful to trust your gut about the sincerity of any threats.
**If you recognize these risk factors within your relationship, it may be worthwhile to seek assistance from a domestic violence program (see resources). Advocates are available to help you come up with a personalized safety plan to help you feel more in control and prepared. You do not need to leave your partner to work on a safety plan. Advocates will support you no matter what choices you make about your relationship. **
How to Tell if Your Partner is Changing
One of the most asked questions from people who have experienced abuse from an intimate partner is “how can I tell if they’re really changing?” Promises of change are a central part of the reconciliation phase of the abuse cycle, so it can be very difficult to know when a partner is being genuine about making changes. The best way to tell if a partner is really making the effort is to pay attention to their behaviors more so than their words. The following is adapted from a publication by Women Against Domestic Violence (WADV).
- Positive Signs:
They acknowledge and accept responsibility for what they have done, and aren’t blaming you, other people, stress, work, or any other outside circumstances for their choices. They acknowledge that they chose to behave this way and understand that you have a right to be upset and angry about it.
They understand fully that you (and your children) have been hurt by the abuse and understand the specific ways they caused that hurt. They will talk with you in depth about how you feel, your fear, your hurt, your anger, your rights, and your lack of trust for them, and understand that it is their behavior that has caused it.
They stop using abuse tactics to control you.
- Troubling Signs:
They say, "I can't change unless you do," which means that they’re trying to get you to agree to give up your rights and freedoms in exchange for them not abusing you. They may also say "I'm not the only one who needs help."
They are still lying to you, the children, your family, or other people about what they’ve done. They won't acknowledge that it was wrong.
They refuse to let the subject of the abuse come up or get angry when it does. They won't discuss their controlling behaviors and attitudes. They still try to deny it, minimize it, excuse it, or justify it. They defend their abuse and insist you get over it.
They will not get help, or say they'll get counseling or other help but never do.
If they do get help, they will try to convince you they’re cured after a short period of time. They’ll argue you need to take them back now that they’ve done all this work for you, "Now that I’m in this program you have to be more understanding."
They don't recognize the damage they’ve done. They’re mad or seem confused as to why you fear them, don't trust them, or are hurt or angry. They try to get out of the consequences by trying to convince you that something's wrong with you for allowing them to suffer consequences for the abuse. They’re mad that you left.
Change is a very difficult, often painful, process that doesn’t happen without commitment and sustained effort. Your partner might appear to be making changes and then backslide. Backsliding into old behaviors is normal, but if the efforts are genuine your partner will acknowledge the harm and then will try to do better, not lapse further into old patterns.
FAITH COMMUNITY
FAITH COMMUNITY
Faith can be an important part of a survivor’s journey of healing, but in some cases, it can also complicate their path to safety. Some survivors may be faced with abusers who manipulate religious beliefs and religious teachings or faith leaders who lack the knowledge to provide counsel, creating additional barriers to escaping the abuse. Learn more about domestic violence and faith from the following resources:
Sojourners Women & Girls Project
Voices of Truth Project Blanket of Hope Partnership
